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2010全国一英语作文求老师批改

文章分类:高中 发表时间:2012-12-4 22:38:55
习作原文

假设你是育才中学学生会主席,你校将举办一次英语演讲比赛(speech contest),想要邀请附近某大学外籍教授Smith女士来做评委,参考以下通知,给她写一封信:主题《人与自然》。时间:6月15号下午2点至五点。地点:501教室。参赛选手:10名学生。联系人李华电话:44876655。欢迎大家光临。

这个是我的习作。
Dear Mr. smith
I am a student from Yucai Middle School,our principle,Mr wu,tould me that I may write to you for help.
Here's problem.Our school is going to held an English speech contest whose topic is referred to Humanity and Nature,therefore,the speech will be more wonderful if there have a foreign teacher to make a brief comment or judgement for each member who take part in the contest.The speech contest will start at 2:00 pm and last for about three hours during the afternoon of 15th,June.About ten students enter for this,that is to say,it won't take up your much time.
Would you kind enough to present the contest?I,as the chairman of the Students' Union,express my sincere gratitude and look forward to your reply,you can cantact me at 44876655.
With best wishes,
Lihua.

老师你给看看怎么给修改会更好?谢谢。



批 改 老 师 maotouying 评 分 88分 级 别 优秀 批 改

1.I am a student from Yucai Middle School,our principle,Mr wu,tould me that I may write to you for help. 红色部分去掉。前面改为I am the chairman of the Students' Union of Yucai Middle School.

2.Here's problem.在表述上多余,去掉。

3.Our school is going to held an English speech contest whose topic is referred to Humanity and Nature,therefore,the speech will be more wonderful if there have a foreign teacher to make a brief comment or judgement for each member who take part in the contest.

whose改为which,whose引导的人而不是物。

there have 改为 we have.

take在表达上应该用takes,因为前面是each.

4.The speech contest will start at 2:00 pm and last for about three hours during the afternoon of 15th,June.

本句话改为The speech contest will last three hours from 2:00 pm to 5:00 pm on15th,June.

5.About ten students enter for this,that is to say,it won't take up your much time.
本句话改为We have ten students to enter for the contest.

6.最后加上联系人李华及其电话。 The contact person is Lihua and his number is 44876655.

7.Would you kind enough to present the contest?I,as the chairman of the Students' Union,express my sincere gratitude and look forward to your reply,you can cantact me at 44876655.
此处表述冗杂,在语义上也欠妥。这段话可以简短些,请参照I hope you can come to our English speech contest and look forward to your reply.

参考例句(文)

1.I am the chairman of the Students' Union of Yucai Middle School.
2.The speech contest will last three hours from 2:00 pm to 5:00 pm on15th,June.
3.We have ten students to enter for the contest.

4.I hope you can come to our English speech contest and look forward to your reply.

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